Its so Fluffy!

"It's so Fluffy!"  I love that line from Despicable Me, the little girl squeezing her new stuffed animal as she says it.  I never thought those words would be something to describe me, but there they were out of the mouth of my oldest son.  We  sat on the couch last night, after a busy day cleaning and then playing outside while a potential buyer went through our house, and he said it "you're so fluffy mom."  He sat there pressing on my thigh and then on his, shrugged his shoulders and went up to bed.  I sat there stunned.  Is this what sons think of me?  I'm fluffy. 

I was upset, in fact I had trouble falling asleep last night.  I feel like I am constantly trying so hard to get healthier but never get anywhere.  It hit me last night that I am always doing it for the wrong reasons.  Every time I am trying to lose weight it is for someone else.  For my doctor so they can see how healthy I am.  For my mom so she can see that I can do it and she doesn't need to worry about me.  For my husband so I can be the girl he met 10 years ago.  For my children so they can have a thin mom they can be proud of.  The only time I have ever tried to lose the weight for myself is 11 years ago.

I was over worked, stressed, depressed, and felt like I had no hope. I even questioned a lot of my faith.  I was angry at myself that I had gotten to this point.  I decided I needed to do something. I dramatically cut back from work (I was working 60 hours and had a 20 hour work load at school).  I decided that whenever I was stressed or depressed I was going to go work out.  I had an awesome work out partner that would make sure I was there and motivated.  If we were going to meet at the gym and I wanted to watch something on TV I would get there early to make sure I had a TV reserved.  This meant that sometimes I worked out for 90-120 minutes instead of my normal 60.  I never ordered an entree from a restaurant but would instead get a side salad (dressing on the side) and a side of steamed (not sauteed) vegetables.

I started to notice a difference!  Not only was I losing weight but I was confident and my depression and anxiety were nearly gone.  I was so confident that I applied for Culinary school in Australia!  I remember I was taking a nap when the letter from the school came in.  My sister ran into my room jumped on my bed and told me I HAD to go.  I worked hard but wasn't able to come up with the money I would need (later found out I could have gone to a later session), so I decided to use the money I had saved and take a vacation to Australia and New Zealand.  I continued to lose weight on my trip.  I was too cheap to buy big meals so I stuck with my salads, added some breads, and occasionally had a special treat!  I was also very active there.  Climbing mountains and hiking volcanoes, we walked everywhere!!  I came back 10 pounds lighter.

Not long after this I met someone who was a personal trainer.  We started dating and I felt I had to keep up the healthiness for him.  It was harder.  Things didn't last long with him and I soon met my now husband.  I remember the first time we met.  I was coloring for work (I was a preschool teacher at this time) and he walked up to me and said, "you must be the one I'm supposed to meet."  Okay so we had planned to meet after emailing each other for a month but I still loved it!  He moved to a different area, I stayed and became a nanny.  After the summer I followed.

This is where the weight started to come back.  I was alone.  I left everything to move 2 hours away for a guy!  I had no friends, no job, and I was soon depressed again.  The weight came back slowly.  Clothes started to get tight and soon I was getting a new wardrobe.  When my sister got married I was wearing a size 6-8 when I got married 1.5 years later I was wearing a 12/13.  I felt I didn't have the time or energy to be going to the gym and I didn't have anyone to go with me and keep me motivated. 

So here I sit 90 pounds heavier than I was when I met my husband.  I am sure I can get back to that weight but am not sure I want to.  It was a lot of work!  I want to be healthy, I want to be happy, and I want to be confident again.  The only way I will get back to where I was is to do it for myself.  I can't rely on making someone else happy with my progress, I need to be making myself happy.  So I think I need to be a little selfish.  I need to take the time to plan my meals, I need to take the time to get my work out in, and I need to take time for myself.  This is not something I think will be easy, I'm a  stay at home mom with 3 little boys.  If I do not take care of myself how can I take care of them.  I need to ask for help.  I need to have faith that they will be okay even if I am not with them 24-7. 

I need to be me again!  Who is with me?  Tell me what you are doing to get healthier.  Are you doing it for yourself? Leave a comment below.  In a society where everything seems to be so negative lets be encouraging and see the difference we can make.

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