I thought about writing this yesterday but was too anxious and emotional to put my feelings into words. I just wanted to talk a little about what it feels like and what goes on in my head when I get really anxious or have a panic attack. I don't think anxiety is easy for a person who doesn't have it to understand. Yesterday my husband gave me news that made me feel insignificant, lonely, and like I wasn't apart or needed for what was going on. He didn't understand why I was so upset. I called my mom, she didn't understand either. I just needed someone to understand. I needed to know that I mattered so I thought I would try to explain a little. It is hard to explain sometimes so sorry if I ramble a bit.
I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. It has almost always about me or someone I care about getting sick and dying. I remember when I was little laying in bed and my dad having to sit next to me. He would talk to me trying to get me to relax after a panic attack. The scary thing is that I see this in my oldest son, this is one of the reasons I am trying to overcome anxiety.
As I got older I became a homebody and bookworm. I would be invited to parties or to hang out with friends but I didn't go. It wasn't because I didn't want to but I was panicked. What if it is just a joke and no one will be there? What if I have no one to talk to? What if I do something or say something stupid? It got to a point where I wasn't invited anymore. I felt like an outsider. My senior year of high school I sat at a lunch table by myself.
I started to believe that the problem was me. It was because of me that people weren't coming to parties that were for me. This was my social anxiety. I didn't think I was good enough and started to make sure I went above and beyond to help others. My husband thinks I am nice to a fault and people often take advantage of me or walk all over me.
I am the kind of person who should really not watch the news or read anything online. If I see or read something I will often put myself in that situation even if there is no way it would involve me. Ebola! My family still makes fun of the panic I had when ebola was all over the news.
The thing is, I CAN'T CONTROL IT! I think this is the part that most people don't understand. I do not wake up in the morning and think, "what am I going to worry about today?" I wake up thinking what can I do today to keep my mind busy. I don't read something or hear something and move on. It consumes me. I think about it all day. I get sick to my stomach, and then get anxious that something is wrong with me because my stomach hurts.
After I had my miscarriage I was worse. I was terrified to go to the doctor because I was so scared that they were going to tell me that I was sick and would die. When I became pregnant again the anxiety got much worse. I was terrified of food. I wouldn't eat any thing uncooked because I was afraid of the germs on it. (This is where my bad eating habits started.) I was terrified of germs and would wash my hands constantly. I would wash and rewash anything I would be drinking out of or using to eat. If we went to a restaurant I would wipe down the utensils and if they touched the table after that I wouldn't use it. I would pretend to have to go to the bathroom just to be able to wash my hands. My husband caught on the 3rd time I went to the bathroom before our food came.
As crazy as it sounds though. I felt more comfortable eating at a restaurant than at home. They have regulations and sanitation inspections. It made me feel more confident in what they served. Crazy right! I bought bleach in bulk and used it on everything. EVERYTHING!
During this time I saw a memorial about a woman who died during childbirth I FREAKED OUT. My poor, poor doctors. I survived.
While my anxiety is not as bad as it was during this time. I still get the panic attacks. My heart starts to race. I feel light headed and out of control. I can't breath. I try to talk to someone but they don't understand and sometimes make me feel worse. When I call and am panicked I don't need you to tell me to get over it. I need you to talk me down for the ledge. I need to talk it out, hear how irrational the fear is. I need to be reassured that I am okay. I need your patience. I would do anything for you so please try to understand what I am feeling and going through before you roll your eyes at me and tell me you are about to hang up.
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