I thought about writing this yesterday but was too anxious and emotional to put my feelings into words. I just wanted to talk a little about what it feels like and what goes on in my head when I get really anxious or have a panic attack. I don't think anxiety is easy for a person who doesn't have it to understand. Yesterday my husband gave me news that made me feel insignificant, lonely, and like I wasn't apart or needed for what was going on. He didn't understand why I was so upset. I called my mom, she didn't understand either. I just needed someone to understand. I needed to know that I mattered so I thought I would try to explain a little. It is hard to explain sometimes so sorry if I ramble a bit.
I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. It has almost always about me or someone I care about getting sick and dying. I remember when I was little laying in bed and my dad having to sit next to me. He would talk to me trying to get me to relax after a panic attack. The scary thing is that I see this in my oldest son, this is one of the reasons I am trying to overcome anxiety.
As I got older I became a homebody and bookworm. I would be invited to parties or to hang out with friends but I didn't go. It wasn't because I didn't want to but I was panicked. What if it is just a joke and no one will be there? What if I have no one to talk to? What if I do something or say something stupid? It got to a point where I wasn't invited anymore. I felt like an outsider. My senior year of high school I sat at a lunch table by myself.
I started to believe that the problem was me. It was because of me that people weren't coming to parties that were for me. This was my social anxiety. I didn't think I was good enough and started to make sure I went above and beyond to help others. My husband thinks I am nice to a fault and people often take advantage of me or walk all over me.
I am the kind of person who should really not watch the news or read anything online. If I see or read something I will often put myself in that situation even if there is no way it would involve me. Ebola! My family still makes fun of the panic I had when ebola was all over the news.
The thing is, I CAN'T CONTROL IT! I think this is the part that most people don't understand. I do not wake up in the morning and think, "what am I going to worry about today?" I wake up thinking what can I do today to keep my mind busy. I don't read something or hear something and move on. It consumes me. I think about it all day. I get sick to my stomach, and then get anxious that something is wrong with me because my stomach hurts.
After I had my miscarriage I was worse. I was terrified to go to the doctor because I was so scared that they were going to tell me that I was sick and would die. When I became pregnant again the anxiety got much worse. I was terrified of food. I wouldn't eat any thing uncooked because I was afraid of the germs on it. (This is where my bad eating habits started.) I was terrified of germs and would wash my hands constantly. I would wash and rewash anything I would be drinking out of or using to eat. If we went to a restaurant I would wipe down the utensils and if they touched the table after that I wouldn't use it. I would pretend to have to go to the bathroom just to be able to wash my hands. My husband caught on the 3rd time I went to the bathroom before our food came.
As crazy as it sounds though. I felt more comfortable eating at a restaurant than at home. They have regulations and sanitation inspections. It made me feel more confident in what they served. Crazy right! I bought bleach in bulk and used it on everything. EVERYTHING!
During this time I saw a memorial about a woman who died during childbirth I FREAKED OUT. My poor, poor doctors. I survived.
While my anxiety is not as bad as it was during this time. I still get the panic attacks. My heart starts to race. I feel light headed and out of control. I can't breath. I try to talk to someone but they don't understand and sometimes make me feel worse. When I call and am panicked I don't need you to tell me to get over it. I need you to talk me down for the ledge. I need to talk it out, hear how irrational the fear is. I need to be reassured that I am okay. I need your patience. I would do anything for you so please try to understand what I am feeling and going through before you roll your eyes at me and tell me you are about to hang up.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Thursday, March 26, 2015
I DON'T WANT TO, BUT I DID
There are some days when I don't want to type anything. I feel like the day just wore me too thin. The boys were crazy, an open house tomorrow (the house is a mess, husband works late, and no babysitter), dinner was burnt, and my husband has to work on Saturday when we were supposed to see my family. It gets to be too much! I get to the point where I feel like a volcano ready to explode, but I don't. Instead I look at my husband with tears in my eyes and let him know I understand. When the boys are hard to get into bed and I just want to scream for help. I don't I pick up there room instead (one less thing to clean tomorrow).
I can sit here and complain about my day. I can talk about how rough it was, but why. What do I honestly have to complain about. So what that my kids were crazy and driving me nuts, they are healthy, happy, and loved. So what that my husband had to work late and go in on the weekend, at least he has a job that supports us so I can stay home. Who cares that I have to bust my butt to get the house clean for an showing tomorrow, at least we have people coming to look at the house.
Instead of looking at how things are going wrong I need to start looking at the positives that are in my life. I believe that you reap what you sow. The more I give, the more I will receive. If I truly believe that I need to not be disappointed when I don't believe I am receiving enough. God is blessing me, even if I don't always see it. If something is laid upon my heart to do it should be done with no regard of how I will benefit.
I know that there are times that I look at someone's life and think I wish mine was like that. Why!? Take for instance me and pregnancy. I am terrified of pregnancy. Oh I love being pregnant and feeling the baby move, seeing my stomach grow, and watching the baby's kicks. BUT. The entire time I am pregnant I am terrified. They say you relax a little after the first trimester, not me. I worry the whole time. My last pregnancy was the worst. The thoughts of my previous miscarriage gave me horrible panic attacks. Yet when I learn that a friend is pregnant I have a little bit of jealousy. Not just that they are having another baby but that they are able to do so and be relaxed. I always wanted a pregnancy where I wasn't anxious. Who knows maybe we will get a miracle one day!
Tonight was a night I thought I didn't have anything to say. I thought the events of the day had dropped me so low that anything I typed would be just depressing. Instead I found that it helped me to realize the blessings in my life. The amazing things that God has given me. I can sit here and say that while I may get stressed and scared some times, I love my life. I love that I am the one who stays at home and raises my children. I love that I have an amazing husband who loves me even though I am crazy at times. I have friends who are there for me and a family who would do anything for me.
I may not have it all figured out but I am getting there.
I can sit here and complain about my day. I can talk about how rough it was, but why. What do I honestly have to complain about. So what that my kids were crazy and driving me nuts, they are healthy, happy, and loved. So what that my husband had to work late and go in on the weekend, at least he has a job that supports us so I can stay home. Who cares that I have to bust my butt to get the house clean for an showing tomorrow, at least we have people coming to look at the house.
Instead of looking at how things are going wrong I need to start looking at the positives that are in my life. I believe that you reap what you sow. The more I give, the more I will receive. If I truly believe that I need to not be disappointed when I don't believe I am receiving enough. God is blessing me, even if I don't always see it. If something is laid upon my heart to do it should be done with no regard of how I will benefit.
I know that there are times that I look at someone's life and think I wish mine was like that. Why!? Take for instance me and pregnancy. I am terrified of pregnancy. Oh I love being pregnant and feeling the baby move, seeing my stomach grow, and watching the baby's kicks. BUT. The entire time I am pregnant I am terrified. They say you relax a little after the first trimester, not me. I worry the whole time. My last pregnancy was the worst. The thoughts of my previous miscarriage gave me horrible panic attacks. Yet when I learn that a friend is pregnant I have a little bit of jealousy. Not just that they are having another baby but that they are able to do so and be relaxed. I always wanted a pregnancy where I wasn't anxious. Who knows maybe we will get a miracle one day!
Tonight was a night I thought I didn't have anything to say. I thought the events of the day had dropped me so low that anything I typed would be just depressing. Instead I found that it helped me to realize the blessings in my life. The amazing things that God has given me. I can sit here and say that while I may get stressed and scared some times, I love my life. I love that I am the one who stays at home and raises my children. I love that I have an amazing husband who loves me even though I am crazy at times. I have friends who are there for me and a family who would do anything for me.
I may not have it all figured out but I am getting there.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Excuses Excuses
For the longest time I was told that I didn't have to worry about losing the weight because I had just had a baby. Is that really a good excuse though? I weigh more now then I did the day I left the hospital with my son 8 months ago. I can blame the depression I went through after and how I didn't want to do anything. Lets be honest though. He was born in July. I could have been walking outside with him everyday to help with the weight. I could have eaten more fruit and a lot less chocolate. I didn't have to eat six cookies instead of just one. I could have made changes but I didn't I made excuses.
Maybe it is the warm weather, or the sunny days, but I am not making excuses anymore. Yesterday was the first day I used my VivoFit and actually seeing how many steps I was taking motivated me. I wanted to see those numbers go up. I did learn that just doing a few chores around the house I walked a mile. That was it for the day though. I didn't leave the house until my husband got home. Sure it was cold outside but we honestly could have bundled up and went on a walk.
Today was different. I wanted to meet my goals! I joined a step challenge on the VivoFit, Garmin, site. I am currently, as of 7:30, in 4th place. I have never really been very competitive but I really want to get first. I love my new tracker and I definitely think that it is a great motivation to get started and get moving.
I have noticed that joining different fitness groups that friends are in is a great motivation too. I don't know if it is because of spring or the new tracker but I am super excited to see what happens. I know that I can meet my goal!
What do you use to stay motivated, or to get active? Being held accountable by other people is great. If I see someone who knows what I am trying to do they ask me how it is going. I better have a good answer or I feel crazy guilty! I may not be perfect with everything I am changing but I am so excited that I am at last moving in the right direction.
If you are interested in seeing more of my fitness and health journey click the follow button.
You can also see my updates on https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkRo-KrjQ5Mc_gleFGeqpsg
Follow me on MyFitnessPal- Amanda915
Maybe it is the warm weather, or the sunny days, but I am not making excuses anymore. Yesterday was the first day I used my VivoFit and actually seeing how many steps I was taking motivated me. I wanted to see those numbers go up. I did learn that just doing a few chores around the house I walked a mile. That was it for the day though. I didn't leave the house until my husband got home. Sure it was cold outside but we honestly could have bundled up and went on a walk.
Today was different. I wanted to meet my goals! I joined a step challenge on the VivoFit, Garmin, site. I am currently, as of 7:30, in 4th place. I have never really been very competitive but I really want to get first. I love my new tracker and I definitely think that it is a great motivation to get started and get moving.
I have noticed that joining different fitness groups that friends are in is a great motivation too. I don't know if it is because of spring or the new tracker but I am super excited to see what happens. I know that I can meet my goal!
What do you use to stay motivated, or to get active? Being held accountable by other people is great. If I see someone who knows what I am trying to do they ask me how it is going. I better have a good answer or I feel crazy guilty! I may not be perfect with everything I am changing but I am so excited that I am at last moving in the right direction.
If you are interested in seeing more of my fitness and health journey click the follow button.
You can also see my updates on https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkRo-KrjQ5Mc_gleFGeqpsg
Follow me on MyFitnessPal- Amanda915
Monday, March 23, 2015
Starting something new!
I can't believe that it is spring! Okay so with the ice that covered my car this morning it may not feel like it is, but it is officially spring! I love spring because this is when 50 degrees can feel amazing. I also see it as a great time to start something new.
This weekend I ordered my first wrist activity tracker. For a person with a non smart phone this is very exciting for me. I like that I can connect it to my tablet and actually see everything that I have been doing rather than having to input all the information myself (because that is so much more work). I can't wait to get it and start moving. I hope that it motivates me to get going and get those numbers moving.
We are also moving this spring, 37 more days. We are leaving the cities and moving out to the country. For a city girl this is going to be a big change, but I can't wait to get started. Let's just hope I have everything packed before we move! Another big change that takes place with this move will be our food. We are not bringing anything with us and this is a great way for us to better start our healthy eating. I am personally doing good, down 6 pounds, but this is a great way to get my family on board. I am hoping that I will also be able to take this time and start making more things from scratch, and I'm not just talking about food. I am used to having a grocery store right down the street and I am not going to have that anymore so I want to make sure that if I run out of something I have everything I need to just make my own at home. There will be lots of baking days with me new double oven!!
I will be keeping busy with lots of decorating and DIY projects. This is also the year that Kael starts kindergarten, I think know I'm more nervous than he is. I am also going to start teaching Ian preschool at home. This is something I have always wanted to do but never really found the time or space to do it. I can't wait to get started but will also put him into a few programs at the local park district to help him make new friends. I can't believe that in just a few short months my little baby boy is going to be 1! I am going to be planning a big DIY party.
With all these changes taking place I wanted to find a way to document them so that I would never forget our exciting year. So I decided to start a mommy channel on youtube.com. I will still be blogging but will now be making videos, as soon as I find my camera. I will be honest it sounds so easy to sit down and talk into a camera, so much easier than sitting in front of a crowd of people but I have already had 6 takes. I finally get it how I like it and my webcam had no sound! I know that I will get there. This is something I have been wanting to do for a very long time and can't wait to get started.
If you want to watch me and see how I am doing on my weigh loss challenge, moving with three boys 5 and under, and all my diy projects check out my channel. I can't wait to get started and see where the future will take us!
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkRo-KrjQ5Mc_gleFGeqpsg
This weekend I ordered my first wrist activity tracker. For a person with a non smart phone this is very exciting for me. I like that I can connect it to my tablet and actually see everything that I have been doing rather than having to input all the information myself (because that is so much more work). I can't wait to get it and start moving. I hope that it motivates me to get going and get those numbers moving.
We are also moving this spring, 37 more days. We are leaving the cities and moving out to the country. For a city girl this is going to be a big change, but I can't wait to get started. Let's just hope I have everything packed before we move! Another big change that takes place with this move will be our food. We are not bringing anything with us and this is a great way for us to better start our healthy eating. I am personally doing good, down 6 pounds, but this is a great way to get my family on board. I am hoping that I will also be able to take this time and start making more things from scratch, and I'm not just talking about food. I am used to having a grocery store right down the street and I am not going to have that anymore so I want to make sure that if I run out of something I have everything I need to just make my own at home. There will be lots of baking days with me new double oven!!
I will be keeping busy with lots of decorating and DIY projects. This is also the year that Kael starts kindergarten, I
With all these changes taking place I wanted to find a way to document them so that I would never forget our exciting year. So I decided to start a mommy channel on youtube.com. I will still be blogging but will now be making videos, as soon as I find my camera. I will be honest it sounds so easy to sit down and talk into a camera, so much easier than sitting in front of a crowd of people but I have already had 6 takes. I finally get it how I like it and my webcam had no sound! I know that I will get there. This is something I have been wanting to do for a very long time and can't wait to get started.
If you want to watch me and see how I am doing on my weigh loss challenge, moving with three boys 5 and under, and all my diy projects check out my channel. I can't wait to get started and see where the future will take us!
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkRo-KrjQ5Mc_gleFGeqpsg
Saturday, March 21, 2015
The hardest part
It is lonely to be a stay at home mom (sahm). I think it is one thing that people who work don't realize. I am sure that so many people wonder what there is to complain about because I don't have to go to a job, I get to stay home. I love my children and I love that I get to raise them myself but it is lonely. Most of my mommy friends have gone back to work or don't live close to me. So I spend my days breaking up fights, negotiating who gets to play with what toy, changing diapers, making meals, cleaning the house, driving to school, and now packing to move.
I have no one to talk to and its depressing. I wish I lived closer to home where I could see my mom on a daily basis or the friends I grew up with. I wish I could take my children to the preschool I went to. I wish I could call my friends when I just feel stressed and need someone to talk to, but I don't Don't get me wrong, I have amazing friends! A lot of them work though and honestly I don't want them to know how crazy I really am. Instead I call my sister, but she is working again and is either sleeping or taking classes. I call my mom, but she is recovering from surgery and teaching my niece. I call my husband but he is busy at work. I love the people in my life! I just wish I could see them more. So I started a blog.
I have no idea who reads my blog if anyone, but it is my way of talking it out. Sure I am making my fears, failures, and goals public but it is like a release. I can type and at least imagine someone reading it and possibly going through the same thing as me. I have more things I would like to do eventually but that is for another time.
On the plus side...IT'S FINALLY SPRING!
I am finally able to get out. I am finally able to have play dates, not just for the kids but for mommy. I am working on getting a workout schedule established. I can't wait to see what spring holds and I can't wait to get out and spend more time with the people who keep me sane! I feel like I am taking more steps in the right direction. I just ordered an activity tracker so I can see my goals and progress. I am eating healthier and am already down 6 lbs. I think that is pretty good for changing my diet but not working out! I am getting out more. I am seeing more friends and talking to people. I am trying to get active by taking walks with my 3 little men. I feel like I am making progress and I can't wait to see what is in store for me next!
Recipe from my 5 year old son:
Candied bananas.
Take one banana and cut it into slices. Coat it with honey and sprinkle it with sprinkles.
Click the follow button to join me on my journey to becoming healthier.
I have no one to talk to and its depressing. I wish I lived closer to home where I could see my mom on a daily basis or the friends I grew up with. I wish I could take my children to the preschool I went to. I wish I could call my friends when I just feel stressed and need someone to talk to, but I don't Don't get me wrong, I have amazing friends! A lot of them work though and honestly I don't want them to know how crazy I really am. Instead I call my sister, but she is working again and is either sleeping or taking classes. I call my mom, but she is recovering from surgery and teaching my niece. I call my husband but he is busy at work. I love the people in my life! I just wish I could see them more. So I started a blog.
I have no idea who reads my blog if anyone, but it is my way of talking it out. Sure I am making my fears, failures, and goals public but it is like a release. I can type and at least imagine someone reading it and possibly going through the same thing as me. I have more things I would like to do eventually but that is for another time.
On the plus side...IT'S FINALLY SPRING!
I am finally able to get out. I am finally able to have play dates, not just for the kids but for mommy. I am working on getting a workout schedule established. I can't wait to see what spring holds and I can't wait to get out and spend more time with the people who keep me sane! I feel like I am taking more steps in the right direction. I just ordered an activity tracker so I can see my goals and progress. I am eating healthier and am already down 6 lbs. I think that is pretty good for changing my diet but not working out! I am getting out more. I am seeing more friends and talking to people. I am trying to get active by taking walks with my 3 little men. I feel like I am making progress and I can't wait to see what is in store for me next!
Recipe from my 5 year old son:
Candied bananas.
Take one banana and cut it into slices. Coat it with honey and sprinkle it with sprinkles.
Click the follow button to join me on my journey to becoming healthier.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Its so Fluffy!
"It's so Fluffy!" I love that line from Despicable Me, the little girl squeezing her new stuffed animal as she says it. I never thought those words would be something to describe me, but there they were out of the mouth of my oldest son. We sat on the couch last night, after a busy day cleaning and then playing outside while a potential buyer went through our house, and he said it "you're so fluffy mom." He sat there pressing on my thigh and then on his, shrugged his shoulders and went up to bed. I sat there stunned. Is this what sons think of me? I'm fluffy.
I was upset, in fact I had trouble falling asleep last night. I feel like I am constantly trying so hard to get healthier but never get anywhere. It hit me last night that I am always doing it for the wrong reasons. Every time I am trying to lose weight it is for someone else. For my doctor so they can see how healthy I am. For my mom so she can see that I can do it and she doesn't need to worry about me. For my husband so I can be the girl he met 10 years ago. For my children so they can have a thin mom they can be proud of. The only time I have ever tried to lose the weight for myself is 11 years ago.
I was over worked, stressed, depressed, and felt like I had no hope. I even questioned a lot of my faith. I was angry at myself that I had gotten to this point. I decided I needed to do something. I dramatically cut back from work (I was working 60 hours and had a 20 hour work load at school). I decided that whenever I was stressed or depressed I was going to go work out. I had an awesome work out partner that would make sure I was there and motivated. If we were going to meet at the gym and I wanted to watch something on TV I would get there early to make sure I had a TV reserved. This meant that sometimes I worked out for 90-120 minutes instead of my normal 60. I never ordered an entree from a restaurant but would instead get a side salad (dressing on the side) and a side of steamed (not sauteed) vegetables.
I started to notice a difference! Not only was I losing weight but I was confident and my depression and anxiety were nearly gone. I was so confident that I applied for Culinary school in Australia! I remember I was taking a nap when the letter from the school came in. My sister ran into my room jumped on my bed and told me I HAD to go. I worked hard but wasn't able to come up with the money I would need (later found out I could have gone to a later session), so I decided to use the money I had saved and take a vacation to Australia and New Zealand. I continued to lose weight on my trip. I was too cheap to buy big meals so I stuck with my salads, added some breads, and occasionally had a special treat! I was also very active there. Climbing mountains and hiking volcanoes, we walked everywhere!! I came back 10 pounds lighter.
Not long after this I met someone who was a personal trainer. We started dating and I felt I had to keep up the healthiness for him. It was harder. Things didn't last long with him and I soon met my now husband. I remember the first time we met. I was coloring for work (I was a preschool teacher at this time) and he walked up to me and said, "you must be the one I'm supposed to meet." Okay so we had planned to meet after emailing each other for a month but I still loved it! He moved to a different area, I stayed and became a nanny. After the summer I followed.
This is where the weight started to come back. I was alone. I left everything to move 2 hours away for a guy! I had no friends, no job, and I was soon depressed again. The weight came back slowly. Clothes started to get tight and soon I was getting a new wardrobe. When my sister got married I was wearing a size 6-8 when I got married 1.5 years later I was wearing a 12/13. I felt I didn't have the time or energy to be going to the gym and I didn't have anyone to go with me and keep me motivated.
So here I sit 90 pounds heavier than I was when I met my husband. I am sure I can get back to that weight but am not sure I want to. It was a lot of work! I want to be healthy, I want to be happy, and I want to be confident again. The only way I will get back to where I was is to do it for myself. I can't rely on making someone else happy with my progress, I need to be making myself happy. So I think I need to be a little selfish. I need to take the time to plan my meals, I need to take the time to get my work out in, and I need to take time for myself. This is not something I think will be easy, I'm a stay at home mom with 3 little boys. If I do not take care of myself how can I take care of them. I need to ask for help. I need to have faith that they will be okay even if I am not with them 24-7.
I need to be me again! Who is with me? Tell me what you are doing to get healthier. Are you doing it for yourself? Leave a comment below. In a society where everything seems to be so negative lets be encouraging and see the difference we can make.
Click the follow button to see my progress, get healthy recipes, and be encouraged.
I was upset, in fact I had trouble falling asleep last night. I feel like I am constantly trying so hard to get healthier but never get anywhere. It hit me last night that I am always doing it for the wrong reasons. Every time I am trying to lose weight it is for someone else. For my doctor so they can see how healthy I am. For my mom so she can see that I can do it and she doesn't need to worry about me. For my husband so I can be the girl he met 10 years ago. For my children so they can have a thin mom they can be proud of. The only time I have ever tried to lose the weight for myself is 11 years ago.
I was over worked, stressed, depressed, and felt like I had no hope. I even questioned a lot of my faith. I was angry at myself that I had gotten to this point. I decided I needed to do something. I dramatically cut back from work (I was working 60 hours and had a 20 hour work load at school). I decided that whenever I was stressed or depressed I was going to go work out. I had an awesome work out partner that would make sure I was there and motivated. If we were going to meet at the gym and I wanted to watch something on TV I would get there early to make sure I had a TV reserved. This meant that sometimes I worked out for 90-120 minutes instead of my normal 60. I never ordered an entree from a restaurant but would instead get a side salad (dressing on the side) and a side of steamed (not sauteed) vegetables.
I started to notice a difference! Not only was I losing weight but I was confident and my depression and anxiety were nearly gone. I was so confident that I applied for Culinary school in Australia! I remember I was taking a nap when the letter from the school came in. My sister ran into my room jumped on my bed and told me I HAD to go. I worked hard but wasn't able to come up with the money I would need (later found out I could have gone to a later session), so I decided to use the money I had saved and take a vacation to Australia and New Zealand. I continued to lose weight on my trip. I was too cheap to buy big meals so I stuck with my salads, added some breads, and occasionally had a special treat! I was also very active there. Climbing mountains and hiking volcanoes, we walked everywhere!! I came back 10 pounds lighter.
Not long after this I met someone who was a personal trainer. We started dating and I felt I had to keep up the healthiness for him. It was harder. Things didn't last long with him and I soon met my now husband. I remember the first time we met. I was coloring for work (I was a preschool teacher at this time) and he walked up to me and said, "you must be the one I'm supposed to meet." Okay so we had planned to meet after emailing each other for a month but I still loved it! He moved to a different area, I stayed and became a nanny. After the summer I followed.
This is where the weight started to come back. I was alone. I left everything to move 2 hours away for a guy! I had no friends, no job, and I was soon depressed again. The weight came back slowly. Clothes started to get tight and soon I was getting a new wardrobe. When my sister got married I was wearing a size 6-8 when I got married 1.5 years later I was wearing a 12/13. I felt I didn't have the time or energy to be going to the gym and I didn't have anyone to go with me and keep me motivated.
So here I sit 90 pounds heavier than I was when I met my husband. I am sure I can get back to that weight but am not sure I want to. It was a lot of work! I want to be healthy, I want to be happy, and I want to be confident again. The only way I will get back to where I was is to do it for myself. I can't rely on making someone else happy with my progress, I need to be making myself happy. So I think I need to be a little selfish. I need to take the time to plan my meals, I need to take the time to get my work out in, and I need to take time for myself. This is not something I think will be easy, I'm a stay at home mom with 3 little boys. If I do not take care of myself how can I take care of them. I need to ask for help. I need to have faith that they will be okay even if I am not with them 24-7.
I need to be me again! Who is with me? Tell me what you are doing to get healthier. Are you doing it for yourself? Leave a comment below. In a society where everything seems to be so negative lets be encouraging and see the difference we can make.
Click the follow button to see my progress, get healthy recipes, and be encouraged.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
You are enough!
You are enough is something I think we need to hear time to time. It's something that I wish I could hear more. My husband is great at telling me I don't need to change anything when I ask him what I can do to be a better wife, but often time I don't believe it. I feel like I am not good enough.
You are enough, you don't need to be perfect to be loved or liked.
You are enough, you don't need to follow the crowd.
You are enough, be yourself.
You are enough, you don't have to lose weight to look great, or wear makeup to be pretty.
You are enough!
This is something I struggle with and I think more often then not it is all me. I am the one who makes me feel this way. I am the one who feels like I don't fit in with my friends. I don't have enough money, I am not skinny enough, I am not funny enough. Where does it end? When will we be happy with who we are?
I have 3 little boys and at first I was sad that I wasn't having a little girl, I grieved for the relationship I was going to miss out on. The more I thought about it though, I am actually happy I have boys. I don't have to worry about my children going through what I went through. The group of "friends" that get together and write a nasty letter about you. Something I tried to brush off but learned who my real friends were when they decided to take action. I didn't need to change who I was to fit in, I just needed to find the right person. They made me feel like I was enough.
Little by little I am learning that I am enough. I struggle with who I am and who I want to be, but I am enough. I don't need to win friends over by doing things for them. They like me for who I am and not what I can do for them. I am not perfect but I am me. I am the person I was created to be and I have to learn that if someone doesn't like me for who I am they are not worth my time.
It is not worth your time to struggle and try to be someone you aren't. You are enough. I don't think I can say it enough. You are enough. You are perfect. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are loved. Don't let anyone tell you any differently. Who ever you are strive to be the best you! There is no one else like you, you make a difference, and the world needs you for who you are. Be you, be amazing!
You are enough, you don't need to be perfect to be loved or liked.
You are enough, you don't need to follow the crowd.
You are enough, be yourself.
You are enough, you don't have to lose weight to look great, or wear makeup to be pretty.
You are enough!
This is something I struggle with and I think more often then not it is all me. I am the one who makes me feel this way. I am the one who feels like I don't fit in with my friends. I don't have enough money, I am not skinny enough, I am not funny enough. Where does it end? When will we be happy with who we are?
I have 3 little boys and at first I was sad that I wasn't having a little girl, I grieved for the relationship I was going to miss out on. The more I thought about it though, I am actually happy I have boys. I don't have to worry about my children going through what I went through. The group of "friends" that get together and write a nasty letter about you. Something I tried to brush off but learned who my real friends were when they decided to take action. I didn't need to change who I was to fit in, I just needed to find the right person. They made me feel like I was enough.
Little by little I am learning that I am enough. I struggle with who I am and who I want to be, but I am enough. I don't need to win friends over by doing things for them. They like me for who I am and not what I can do for them. I am not perfect but I am me. I am the person I was created to be and I have to learn that if someone doesn't like me for who I am they are not worth my time.
It is not worth your time to struggle and try to be someone you aren't. You are enough. I don't think I can say it enough. You are enough. You are perfect. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are loved. Don't let anyone tell you any differently. Who ever you are strive to be the best you! There is no one else like you, you make a difference, and the world needs you for who you are. Be you, be amazing!
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Just one of those days
It's one of those days where I just feel blah. I even wondered if I should write anything. I have been visiting different websites and getting meal plans and recipes. I look at these sites and I think, that's what I want to do. I want to build up my site to look that good and have that much information. I am still in the early phase those where I don't really know what I am doing. It doesn't help how I have been feeling lately. I read somewhere that when you stop eating sugar you go through a detox and anxiety can be increased. I remember thinking , "great just what I need!" So here I am 9 days from the last time I had sweets or dessert and I feel miserable. I am believing that it will get better and that I will be able to actually express what I want to do here and see my page grow. It hard in the beginning. So please bear with me during these beginning months. Once I get my head back on straight things will get better.
One thing that is getting me through is thinking about our upcoming move. I am looking at this move as a restart. I don't want to take any food (except frozen breast milk) with us when we move. I want to start fresh and from scratch. I know that I can create a healthy household and what better way then to start with a whole new pantry! I am currently following the 100 Days of Real Food plan but soon I will be able to create mine. I am excited to see how things go and how we grow as a family.
Today I was at the grocery store trying to figure out what I was going to make for lunch and picking up the last few things for dinner. As we were going through the aisles my 3 yr old would see something he wanted. He would remind me that we had run out of what ever he wanted. He would look at me with tears in his eyes and say, "we ran out mom, remember we ran out, remember." As cute as he is when he says it we did not buy the ice cream. Instead we picked up hummus and vegetables.
I know my days can only get better, my diet can only get better, my health can only get better, and my blog can only get better. Today is just one bad day it the middle of lots of good days.
One thing that is getting me through is thinking about our upcoming move. I am looking at this move as a restart. I don't want to take any food (except frozen breast milk) with us when we move. I want to start fresh and from scratch. I know that I can create a healthy household and what better way then to start with a whole new pantry! I am currently following the 100 Days of Real Food plan but soon I will be able to create mine. I am excited to see how things go and how we grow as a family.
Today I was at the grocery store trying to figure out what I was going to make for lunch and picking up the last few things for dinner. As we were going through the aisles my 3 yr old would see something he wanted. He would remind me that we had run out of what ever he wanted. He would look at me with tears in his eyes and say, "we ran out mom, remember we ran out, remember." As cute as he is when he says it we did not buy the ice cream. Instead we picked up hummus and vegetables.
I know my days can only get better, my diet can only get better, my health can only get better, and my blog can only get better. Today is just one bad day it the middle of lots of good days.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
At least it's organic!
So you go to the grocery store and start your shopping. What do you pick up? Do you get fresh produce or grab organic packaged foods? It is so easy to look around us think about the time it takes to make food from scratch and just pick up the organic convenience food. I used to think, "it's organic so it's good for me." Not necessarily. Just because the ice cream says organic does not mean it is good for me and that I can eat the whole carton. Most packaged foods are processed even if they are organic. Read the ingredient list, can you pronounce all the ingredients listed? If not, put it down. If I can't pronounce it, it doesn't need to be in my body.
Try cooking from scratch. When you know what is going into you food you can feel better about the food that you eat. Last night I made whole wheat hamburger buns from scratch. I have done this in the past and they were always really dry, but last night I read something in a recipe that I never thought about. The recipe said that once the dough starts to come together in a ball, STOP! Let it rest because the whole wheat flour will soak up more liquid and if you continue you could end up adding too much flour and they will turn out dry. Makes sense and they were amazing! Best hamburger bun I have had in a while, the hamburger needed a little work but at least the bun was good.
Changing the way I look at food is hard. I have learned that creating a menu plan for all meals is very important. Normally I create a menu for dinner and then look in the fridge with no ideas of what to make for lunch. I scavenge to find something clean to eat and often don't eat enough and am hungry shortly after eating. So this week I plan to create a meal plan for all three meals. I hope to have it done and posted in the next few days. I will do my best to include a shopping list and recipes also. For now here is the recipe for the whole wheat buns I made last night.
Honey Whole Wheat Buns (found on http://www.theprairiehomestead.com)
1 Cup milk
1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup honey
1 egg
1 tsp salt
2 1/2 tsp yeast or 1 packet
2 to 3.5 cups whole wheat flour
I used a kitchen aid mixer with the hook attachment to make my dough. If this is not available to you just use a bowl and knead with your hands.
Combine the milk, honey, and butter in a small saucepan. On low heat it until slightly warm (I ended up just putting it in the microwave for 30 seconds). Put yeast into mixing bowl,while stirring, slowly add the milk mixture to the yeast. Begin adding the flour, take your time and knead as you add the flour. Once a ball starts to form stop and let the dough rest for 2-3 min. After this time add a little more flour if needed. You want the dough to be slightly sticky. Continue kneading for 6-7 minutes adding flour if needed. Cover with a clean towel or plastic wrap and let sit in a warm place for 60 minutes. Divide the dough into 8-12 portions, depending on the size you want. Roll them into a ball, place on a cookie sheet, cover, and let rest for another 30 minutes. Bake for 12-18 minutes at 375 degrees.
Let me know how your buns turned out and follow me to get more tips and recipes. Leave comments on recipes you want me to try or questions you have. If I don't know an answer I will find the answer!
If you want healthy meals but don't have the time to grocery stop check out plated.com or blueapron.com they will do the prep work you do the cooking!
Try cooking from scratch. When you know what is going into you food you can feel better about the food that you eat. Last night I made whole wheat hamburger buns from scratch. I have done this in the past and they were always really dry, but last night I read something in a recipe that I never thought about. The recipe said that once the dough starts to come together in a ball, STOP! Let it rest because the whole wheat flour will soak up more liquid and if you continue you could end up adding too much flour and they will turn out dry. Makes sense and they were amazing! Best hamburger bun I have had in a while, the hamburger needed a little work but at least the bun was good.
Changing the way I look at food is hard. I have learned that creating a menu plan for all meals is very important. Normally I create a menu for dinner and then look in the fridge with no ideas of what to make for lunch. I scavenge to find something clean to eat and often don't eat enough and am hungry shortly after eating. So this week I plan to create a meal plan for all three meals. I hope to have it done and posted in the next few days. I will do my best to include a shopping list and recipes also. For now here is the recipe for the whole wheat buns I made last night.
Honey Whole Wheat Buns (found on http://www.theprairiehomestead.com)
1 Cup milk
1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup honey
1 egg
1 tsp salt
2 1/2 tsp yeast or 1 packet
2 to 3.5 cups whole wheat flour
I used a kitchen aid mixer with the hook attachment to make my dough. If this is not available to you just use a bowl and knead with your hands.
Combine the milk, honey, and butter in a small saucepan. On low heat it until slightly warm (I ended up just putting it in the microwave for 30 seconds). Put yeast into mixing bowl,while stirring, slowly add the milk mixture to the yeast. Begin adding the flour, take your time and knead as you add the flour. Once a ball starts to form stop and let the dough rest for 2-3 min. After this time add a little more flour if needed. You want the dough to be slightly sticky. Continue kneading for 6-7 minutes adding flour if needed. Cover with a clean towel or plastic wrap and let sit in a warm place for 60 minutes. Divide the dough into 8-12 portions, depending on the size you want. Roll them into a ball, place on a cookie sheet, cover, and let rest for another 30 minutes. Bake for 12-18 minutes at 375 degrees.
Let me know how your buns turned out and follow me to get more tips and recipes. Leave comments on recipes you want me to try or questions you have. If I don't know an answer I will find the answer!
If you want healthy meals but don't have the time to grocery stop check out plated.com or blueapron.com they will do the prep work you do the cooking!
Monday, March 9, 2015
Pile it on
Are you a people pleaser? I am. I take on more projects than I can handle just to get the approval of the person asking. Ahhh! It can often lead me to feeling overwhelmed and wanting to eat everything in the kitchen. These last few weeks I have taken on a lot including two quilts that needed to be done, one for a raffle, the other a baby shower (shown below). Come Friday I was overwhelmed and getting the quilts finished while trying to clean my house, I was pulling my hair out. I wanted comfort food! As I mentioned before it is all in my head and last week I fought of the desire to eat comfort food. I will be honest, I did cheat a little on my clean eating while out of town this weekend. Not too much and I didn't let it discourage me. If you slip up and eat something that isn't a part of your "plan" don't beat yourself up! Move on. There is nothing you can do to change that moment of weakness but you can continue on your journey and soon you won't give into to those cravings.
While out of town I spent some time with my sister in law. She is in the same boat as me, trying to lose weight while fighting anxiety and depression. I am proud of her! She has lost a lot of weight already and I know that she can reach her goals. I can't wait to see what she can do!
This weekend we tried the overnight refrigerator oatmeal. I made double portions of a cocoa banana oatmeal and we brought it with us. It uses cocoa powder so it did have a little bit of bitterness but was great when the banana was added. I personally liked it cooked but my husband ate it cold. The great thing about this breakfast is that it is healthy, clean, and quick. Make it the night before, throw it in the fridge and grab it on the way out the door. No more excuse not to eat breakfast! I will include a link to the recipe below.
Tomorrow night we will be having roasted whole chicken. My husband hates the smell of cooking chicken unless it is roasting. I found a quick and easy way to do it. In the crockpot! Take foil and tear it into strips. Ball up the strips, you want to have 4-6 small balls. They should take up most of the bottom of the crockpot. Place the whole chicken on the foil, season, and cook on low for 7 hrs or high for 4 hrs. The chicken will be moist and roasted just like what you would find in the grocery store!
Overnight oatmeal!
http://www.theyummylife.com/Refrigerator_Oatmeal
One of the quilts that kept my hands busy and not putting food in my mouth!
While out of town I spent some time with my sister in law. She is in the same boat as me, trying to lose weight while fighting anxiety and depression. I am proud of her! She has lost a lot of weight already and I know that she can reach her goals. I can't wait to see what she can do!
This weekend we tried the overnight refrigerator oatmeal. I made double portions of a cocoa banana oatmeal and we brought it with us. It uses cocoa powder so it did have a little bit of bitterness but was great when the banana was added. I personally liked it cooked but my husband ate it cold. The great thing about this breakfast is that it is healthy, clean, and quick. Make it the night before, throw it in the fridge and grab it on the way out the door. No more excuse not to eat breakfast! I will include a link to the recipe below.
Tomorrow night we will be having roasted whole chicken. My husband hates the smell of cooking chicken unless it is roasting. I found a quick and easy way to do it. In the crockpot! Take foil and tear it into strips. Ball up the strips, you want to have 4-6 small balls. They should take up most of the bottom of the crockpot. Place the whole chicken on the foil, season, and cook on low for 7 hrs or high for 4 hrs. The chicken will be moist and roasted just like what you would find in the grocery store!
Overnight oatmeal!
http://www.theyummylife.com/Refrigerator_Oatmeal
One of the quilts that kept my hands busy and not putting food in my mouth!
Thursday, March 5, 2015
It's all in your head!
I came to a realization today. I choose what I put into my mouth, not the other way around. I know there are some people out there that are thinking, "well duh!" For me though, giving into the cravings was an everyday occurrence. If I wanted a milk shake I either got or made a milk shake, then felt really horrible and guilty afterwards. Today I started my real food journey and I feel like I have been doing great. Normally I would not know what to make for breakfast, especially when it has to be clean, but today we started our day with homemade apple cinnamon oatmeal. Lunch was tough we were out going to stores and I was hungry! Mmm Panera would be good or how about Subway? I stuck to it though I beat those cravings and came home to leftover clean pizza! How about that milk shake I was craving? I blended frozen bananas, cocoa powder, powdered peanut butter, and milk. There you have it a healthy "milkshake"! It was when I was sipping on my "milkshake" that I had that little ah ha moment. Hopefully it only gets easier from here!
Another thing I have discovered I have a choice about is my anxiety and depression. I know that it is not just going to go away, but I also know that if I don't work to beat it I will just continue to struggle. So I work to keep myself busy, this way I won't have time to think. I quilt blankets, clean my house, and take care of my kids. Oh and now I make homemade, healthy, and clean meals. It may be happening slowly but I am starting to feel a difference. Today when the anxiety hit instead of dwelling and calling everyone I know I sat down at my sewing machine.
I am learning that I am on a journey not a race. I would rather work to correct the problem than just simply "band aid"it. I am learning I am stronger than I think and I can only get stronger! I am in control of my decisions and from now on I am making them for the good of myself and my family.
Whole Wheat Pizza dough- I just made my basic dough with WW flour and Vital Wheat Gluten added.
2 1/2 -3 cups of Whole Wheat Flour
1 cup warm water
1 package dry active yeast
1 tbsp Vital Wheat Gluten (Found in baking or health food section of grocery store)
1 tbsp Olive oil
1 tsp Salt
In a measuring cup combine warm water and yeast. Let it sit a few minutes till it blooms (foams on the top.) Combine all other ingredients in a mixing bowl, Kitchen aid, or food processor. Add the water and mix until a ball forms, then knead for 10 minutes (this is where a food processor or Kitchen aid helps!) Let rise for a few hours or overnight (this is important, I didn't let it rise enough and my crust was dense). After a few hours roll out your dough and top as you would like. I used homemade tomato sauce (tomato sauce, Italian seasoning, garlic powder, salt, and pepper), sausage, and fresh mozzarella cheese.
Tomorrow I will be having refrigerator oatmeal for breakfast.
Another thing I have discovered I have a choice about is my anxiety and depression. I know that it is not just going to go away, but I also know that if I don't work to beat it I will just continue to struggle. So I work to keep myself busy, this way I won't have time to think. I quilt blankets, clean my house, and take care of my kids. Oh and now I make homemade, healthy, and clean meals. It may be happening slowly but I am starting to feel a difference. Today when the anxiety hit instead of dwelling and calling everyone I know I sat down at my sewing machine.
I am learning that I am on a journey not a race. I would rather work to correct the problem than just simply "band aid"it. I am learning I am stronger than I think and I can only get stronger! I am in control of my decisions and from now on I am making them for the good of myself and my family.
Whole Wheat Pizza dough- I just made my basic dough with WW flour and Vital Wheat Gluten added.
2 1/2 -3 cups of Whole Wheat Flour
1 cup warm water
1 package dry active yeast
1 tbsp Vital Wheat Gluten (Found in baking or health food section of grocery store)
1 tbsp Olive oil
1 tsp Salt
In a measuring cup combine warm water and yeast. Let it sit a few minutes till it blooms (foams on the top.) Combine all other ingredients in a mixing bowl, Kitchen aid, or food processor. Add the water and mix until a ball forms, then knead for 10 minutes (this is where a food processor or Kitchen aid helps!) Let rise for a few hours or overnight (this is important, I didn't let it rise enough and my crust was dense). After a few hours roll out your dough and top as you would like. I used homemade tomato sauce (tomato sauce, Italian seasoning, garlic powder, salt, and pepper), sausage, and fresh mozzarella cheese.
Tomorrow I will be having refrigerator oatmeal for breakfast.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
100 day clean eating challenge
Over the past few years I have tried to learn everything I can about food and nutrition. I even got a bachelors degree in nutrition science! This has been kind of a curse for me. I feel like I never have enough knowledge and that I need to keep learning before taking any big steps. In the last two weeks alone I have picked up 5 books from the library about weight loss, sugar free diets, and the real food diet. I am currently reading two. I am reading The Shift by Tory Johnson and 100 Days of Real Food by Lisa Leake. I am loving both books and plan to do a review on them once I am done. There are things in each book that is starting to get my brain and appetite to work together.
In her book, Tory Johnson talks about what food was like when she was growing up and how it set her up for what she ate as an adult. That really made me think, what am I teaching my kids about eating? With how our diet is now what food choices will my children make when they get older. It is up to me as a parent to guide my children in the right direction and hopefully when they are old enough to choose for themselves they will look at what I taught them and choose healthy foods. It makes sense to me and I want to give my children the best start that they can get.
When I started reading Lisa Leake's book I saw similarities in how she grew up and how I grew up. My mom wasn't a fan of cooking and would often turn to frozen or canned food to make dinner. She also didn't lead by example, she never ate her vegetables. She has since been cooking a lot more, and while she doesn't do much with vegetables she makes sure there is at least a salad with your meat. I am very proud of my mom and how she is seeing food differently. Seeing someone who grew up like me make such a dramatic change gives me hope that I can change our eating habits too.
So what has all this reading done for me? It has shown me that not only is it possible to change the way I eat, it has also shown me that with careful planning I can do it and create a healthier family. That brings me back to how I think food and health are linked. I have been told by people who have depression and anxiety that they changed their diets and nothing changed. Does that mean when it didn't work they gave up and went back to their old eating habits? I believe that it can work but I also believe that when changing your diet it isn't a short term change. I believe it is a lifestyle change. A diet is not a quick fix where you lose 10 pounds in 2 weeks and go right back to your old ways of eating. A "diet" is the food you eat not the foods you restrict to lose weight!
With this in mind I have decided to take on the 100 Days of Real Food Challenge. Not only does Lisa's book have awesome and simple recipes but she also have a great website for more resources. It's kind of scary to think of changing something that has brought me such comfort for so long, but when I think of how I feel now and how I can feel, it encourages me! I am not restricting myself but instead I am making my own foods rather than relying on manufacturing companies to make them for me. Join me for this challenge so that we can all encourage each other. Comment below if you are up for the challenge! Also check back in for recipes, healthy tips, and meal planning.
Tonight's dinner: Clean eating pizza with steamed broccoli on the side. Whole wheat pizza dough, roma tomatoes, fresh mozzarella, and fresh sausage.
For more information on 100 Days of Real Food check out 100daysofrealfood.com
For more information on The Shift visit shiftwithtory.com
In her book, Tory Johnson talks about what food was like when she was growing up and how it set her up for what she ate as an adult. That really made me think, what am I teaching my kids about eating? With how our diet is now what food choices will my children make when they get older. It is up to me as a parent to guide my children in the right direction and hopefully when they are old enough to choose for themselves they will look at what I taught them and choose healthy foods. It makes sense to me and I want to give my children the best start that they can get.
When I started reading Lisa Leake's book I saw similarities in how she grew up and how I grew up. My mom wasn't a fan of cooking and would often turn to frozen or canned food to make dinner. She also didn't lead by example, she never ate her vegetables. She has since been cooking a lot more, and while she doesn't do much with vegetables she makes sure there is at least a salad with your meat. I am very proud of my mom and how she is seeing food differently. Seeing someone who grew up like me make such a dramatic change gives me hope that I can change our eating habits too.
So what has all this reading done for me? It has shown me that not only is it possible to change the way I eat, it has also shown me that with careful planning I can do it and create a healthier family. That brings me back to how I think food and health are linked. I have been told by people who have depression and anxiety that they changed their diets and nothing changed. Does that mean when it didn't work they gave up and went back to their old eating habits? I believe that it can work but I also believe that when changing your diet it isn't a short term change. I believe it is a lifestyle change. A diet is not a quick fix where you lose 10 pounds in 2 weeks and go right back to your old ways of eating. A "diet" is the food you eat not the foods you restrict to lose weight!
With this in mind I have decided to take on the 100 Days of Real Food Challenge. Not only does Lisa's book have awesome and simple recipes but she also have a great website for more resources. It's kind of scary to think of changing something that has brought me such comfort for so long, but when I think of how I feel now and how I can feel, it encourages me! I am not restricting myself but instead I am making my own foods rather than relying on manufacturing companies to make them for me. Join me for this challenge so that we can all encourage each other. Comment below if you are up for the challenge! Also check back in for recipes, healthy tips, and meal planning.
Tonight's dinner: Clean eating pizza with steamed broccoli on the side. Whole wheat pizza dough, roma tomatoes, fresh mozzarella, and fresh sausage.
For more information on 100 Days of Real Food check out 100daysofrealfood.com
For more information on The Shift visit shiftwithtory.com
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