Kindergarten

I still remember my first ultrasound.  Laying on the bed and looking at the monitor.  As soon as there was an image of a little baby I was shocked.  I shouted, "there's a baby in there!"  Of course I knew I was pregnant from the 4 positive tests I had but I didn't really believe it until I saw that little baby dancing around in there.

When I was in the hospital getting ready to have my first little boy there were a few scary moments.  When his heart rate dropped and the doctor had to rush in and when I knew I had to push but the doctor still wasn't there. When my body was ready to push it was hard to stop it, but she got there just in time.

The first time I held him I didn't know what to think or how to feel.  I had this little person who relied on me to take care of him.  I couldn't take my eyes off him.  Laying in my arms he was so handsome and I couldn't believe he was mine.

I remember all his firsts.  The first time he smiled, the first time he said mama, his first tooth, and who could forget his first steps.  I loved how excited his was the first time he met both his brothers and the first day of preschool.  Then there was the first time he painted something and told me he wanted to be an artist. 

How could I forget any of his firsts because they were mine too.  He was the one who made me a mommy, he made us a family rather than a couple.  My first child, my first little boy, and the first time I saw my heart outside of my chest.

Now we are getting ready for another first and I don't know if I am ready for it.  I have fought it tooth and nail but I knew it would happen someday.  Well that day is in 5 days.  The day my oldest son, my little boy, goes to kindergarten.

I know he is excited.  His school bag is packed.  His clothes are picked out.  He keeps telling me he needs an alarm clock to make sure he wakes up on time.  He has met some classmates and in a few days he will meet his new teacher.

Then there is me.  I am SO NOT ready for this.  My body is filled with anxiety.  What is he going to be doing in school?  Will he like it?  Will he make new friends?  Will all the kids be nice to him?  Will he like his teacher?  Will he miss me?

I know he is strong and smart but this is the first step in getting him ready for the world.  So I will go grocery shopping and pick up things to make his lunch.  I will get him ready and walk him to the school bus.  I will give him a kiss, say a prayer, and wave as he leaves. 

I'm hoping that the tears won't start until we are back home.  I'm praying that he will have a great day.  I'm going to keep myself busy so I won't be staring at the clock. 

I am sure when my other boys start kindergarten I will do a lot better but for now it's another first.  So if you see me next week make sure I'm not constantly checking my watch.  Give me a smile, tell me you understand, and that putting him on the bus tomorrow will be easier.

For now I will snuggle with my little men, give them lots of kisses, and  tell them I love them.