I had someone ask me where I have been for the last two weeks so I thought I would explain.
I decided it was time to take steps to being a better mom.
I am not saying I was not a good mom but I knew I could be better. Recently I shared that I have been dealing with PPD or Postpartum Depression. I would have times where I thought I was getting better and times that I didn't leave the couch all day. With 3 kids at home that is not something I wanted to be doing. I knew it was time to do something about it.
Not long after Colin was born I did talk to my doctor about my PPD and I was prescribed a medication to help. I was determined not to take it. I figured I could fix it by myself. I looked at medication as a band aid just covering up a wound and I wanted to heal it.
There were times that I felt so bad that I would pull out the prescription and just look at it. I refused to take it though. To me that was throwing in the towel, giving up and saying I couldn't fix myself. If I could just eat right and exercise I would be OK, but it's not easy to do those things when you feel extremely discouraged and have NO motivation.
When I spent a full day in the state of fear and anxiety I decided enough was enough. I was not living I was just making it through the day. I was always looking for something that would fix me (or distract me). The problem was that I couldn't hold on to any motivation. I also started to see my son having some anxiety problems. I wanted to stop the cycle.
For so long I used the excuse that I didn't want to use medication to get better because I was nursing. I was using my children as my excuse not to do something but now I needed them to be the reason I did do something.
I started taking steps to getting help by talking to a friend who went through the same thing. She encouraged me to talk to the doctor again and get started on getting better. Next I called my doctor, it had been it had been 9 months since I talked to her about my PPD.
It has been 2 1/2 weeks since I decided to make a change. I was told that I would not really notice a difference and that it could take about a month to feel better. Here is what I am noticing already.
I am not constantly afraid of EVERYTHING. I feel like I used to be in a constant state of fear but now I feel quite relaxed. It's pretty nice.
I have patience again. I was at the point where I had no patience and everything made me irritable.
I am enjoying some of my favorite things again. My poor family had been surviving on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a while. It is nice to be cooking and quilting again!
I am having more fun with my kids. They are the reason I decided to do this. I was at the point where I felt like I was just a shadow in their lives. Now we are playing and making projects. I having a blast watching them and not dwelling on my anxieties.
The only downside I have found is that I am exhausted. This is a side effect that will hopefully go away soon and it is way better than the way I was feeling before. This is also one of the reasons I have be absent for the past few weeks. I wanted to take some time to focus on myself and my family.
I did not take this decision lightly and thought about it for a very long time. I am happy that I decided to make this change and I can't wait to see how things will continue to change and get better.
If you or someone you know is going through any form of depression take the steps to get better. It does not make you weak. I actually had someone tell me how strong I was for how long I tried to do it with out medication. I now feel I am strong for choosing my family and their needs over my stubbornness. I can be a better mom, a better wife, and a better me.
My journey is not over. Now comes the time when I fix all the problems my PPD caused, like my lack of exercise and weight gain. So stay tuned and follow my journey I see amazing things happening in my future.
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