There are days that I feel like I am doing better when it comes to my anxiety and then there are days like today. So here it is the day in the life of an anxious mommy...
I think it all started last night, I just couldn't sleep. I tossed, turned, and had crazy dreams. You know the kind where you don't know what it going on but something is totally freaking you out. Do you have those dreams? Is it only me? Anyway...
I felt like I was doing good this morning. A little out of it but okay. Maybe it was at church talking about how my son is starting Kindergarten soon and I am freaking out. I mean seriously freaking out, I asked my husband if I could just home-school him!
Maybe it was stopping on the way home to look at minivans. Sure we have talked about them, even looked at them, but recently we thought we should look again. Our 5 year old told us he was going to open a restaurant/ grocery business to make money so that we can get a mini van. How many 5 years old do you know that want to work so they can get a mini van. He is very logical about it too. He told us his plan and reasoning for why he wants a van. I think we have a business man in the making. He already sold some of his art to grandma for $5! It even came with a stain from his lunch! Back to the anxious day....
After we got home I started making breakfast for lunch that is when I started to feel it. Right in the middle of cooking the bacon my chest started to feel tight. I had a little cough. This is when the thoughts start.
You know those scenes in a movie where the character is thinking and nervous about something. The camera seems to zoom in and out like a panicked heartbeat. Imagine that! These are my thoughts...
Oh no my I feel like I can't breath and I am coughing. I am dying. How fast can we get the the hospital? Is this something serious? Am I having a panic attack? Is it a pulmonary embolism? (I totally just looked up how to spell that.) Is this gas? Heart burn? Did I eat something wrong?
All these thoughts go through my head in maybe 2 minutes. Finally I can't take it any more. I am freaking myself out by just thinking. The panic is getting worse! I break down and call my dad. I tell him what is going on. Ask all the questions going through my head. Phew! He knows what I am talking about. He has been there. That makes me feel better!
After lunch the panic still hasn't gone away. I don't think the bacon, egg, and biscuit helped. (I am still a believer in food affecting mood.) I decide I am not going to clean right now. (if I had my way I would never clean) Instead I sit down to watch Jumanji with my family. Should I mention that this is a movie that kinda freaks me out and I try to avoid watching it! So we get through the movie, its not so bad.
Still I am feeling anxious. I decide that I am going to go downstairs and walk a bit on the new treadmill. That is one of the reasons that we got it. When I am anxious I will have a place to get out some of the nervous energy. It works, I feel great! I come back upstairs and make a youtube video. Edit two videos and upload them. I also finished the teacher gifts I was working on.
Someone asked me once what my anxiety triggers are, ummm... Everything! So after a short time and some mild physical discomfort, most likely from working out or eating crap, I am freaking out again.
I swear something that would be so small to someone else my mind turns into a major health event. I seriously think my doctors think I am crazy. Okay I will admit it I am a little.
I have had people tell me how great it is that I share how I feel and my crazy anxiousness. If I didn't have an outlet like this or youtube I don't know what I would do. Have you ever noticed that just talking about something or writing it down makes you realize how silly it is?
So here I am at the end of the day. After a glass of wine, some irritability, and lots of Taylor Swift (she seems to make everything better) I am feeling okay. Let's see how tomorrow goes....
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