Pregnancy Loss- My story and Rainbow Baby

Two years ago I learned at an ultrasound that I lost a baby at 11 weeks.  This was a horrible experience to go through but without it I would not have my baby boy.  I know I am not alone in my experience.  I also know that it is something that women don't talk about unless they learn about someone else going through it.  So in honor of infertility and pregnancy loss awareness I want to share my story.  Maybe my doing so will help someone else.

My first two pregnancies were pretty good.  Other than having large babies, one 9 lbs 14 oz at 37 wks, they were healthy.  Even though I was anxious I loved being pregnant.  I loved feeling the baby move and kick.  I couldn't wait to meet them and as soon as my first was born I was ready to do it again.  I couldn't wait to have another baby.  Little did I know what was in store for me.

It was right around my sons 3rd birthday that I learned we were going to have another baby.  My anxiety was horrible, I didn't feel like I could relax at all.  Early on I was sent to the hospital to get an iv after a rough night.  They took me back to get an ultrasound and we were able to see a beautiful 5 wk baby.

Our follow up ultrasound showed that I had a subchorionic hemorrhage.  I was told by the nurse who called not to worry that most times it would resolve itself that it would just mean that I would have to go back and get extra ultrasounds.  Okay I though, I can handle this.  I had my first doctor appointment where they just collect information, I was hoping they would check for the heart beat to give me a little  reassurance.  They didn't.  Two days later I was back in the office after having some spotting in the middle of the night.

When the first nurse couldn't find a heartbeat I started to get nervous.  When the second nurse couldn't find it I was ready to cry.  When they couldn't find a heartbeat during the in office ultrasound I started to lose hope.  I was sent to get a regular ultrasound.  This would turn out to be the worst ultrasound I would go through.  No mom should have to go to an ultrasound and see a baby without an ultrasound.

I was sent back to the doctor's office to talk about my options.  I sat in the waiting room, having just found out I lost our baby, surrounded by pregnant women.  I sat in a room as they explained to me what had happened and what would happen.  I had three options and was told that I didn't have to make any decisions right now I could take a few days to think.

I felt empty.  I had to go home and call the people who knew and tell them what happened.  Those were the hardest phone calls I had to make.  It is times like this that I wish I lived closer to home.  This was a time that I needed my mom.

My husband decided that we needed to get away.  He set to work finding where we could go on a mini vacation.  I spent some time taking a shower trying to relax, I cried and I prayed.  I prayed for the baby I lost, I prayed for my family, I prayed for any future babies, and I prayed for a calm heart.

I remember that day so clearly.  I have heard that happens, that you remember the details in the worst situations.  I sat down at our kitchen table just trying to breath.  I am a Christian and in this moment I swear I felt a sense of peace.  I felt peace that I would be okay, I felt peace that I would be pregnant again, I had peace that God had that baby with him, and I had peace that my next pregnancy would be okay.

My experience didn't end the day we had that ultrasound.  A few weeks later I ended up in the ER again because I was hemorrhaging and needed to have an emergency d&c.  I have an amazing doctor how reassured me and took care of me.  After this experience I decided I would always stay with this office.  I can't even begin to express how wonderful they are and how they helped me.

I learned during this experience that you can suffer postpartum depression after an ultrasound.  I learned that when a person has not experienced it they do not understand or know what to say.  I learned that this is an experience that is more common than we think but that no one really talks about it.

Trying to get pregnant was after this was an roller coaster.  It took 6 months to get pregnant and I refused to take a test for 2 weeks after I started to suspect.  I suffered panic attacks before I got pregnant and also during my pregnancy.   Even though this was a horrible experience that I would never wish on anyone, if I had not gone through this I would not have my little rainbow baby.  I couldn't imagine my life without him.  I saw my doctor today I told her that I kept having babies not because I was trying for a girl but because I was trying for a redhead.

I don't know what your story is.  I don't know if you have been trying for a baby for years with no success.  I don't know if you have had multiple miscarriages or one like mine.  What I do know is that you are not alone.  If you need someone to talk to I am here.  There are also great support groups all over.  You don't have to go through this alone.