Pregnancy Loss- My story and Rainbow Baby

Two years ago I learned at an ultrasound that I lost a baby at 11 weeks.  This was a horrible experience to go through but without it I would not have my baby boy.  I know I am not alone in my experience.  I also know that it is something that women don't talk about unless they learn about someone else going through it.  So in honor of infertility and pregnancy loss awareness I want to share my story.  Maybe my doing so will help someone else.

My first two pregnancies were pretty good.  Other than having large babies, one 9 lbs 14 oz at 37 wks, they were healthy.  Even though I was anxious I loved being pregnant.  I loved feeling the baby move and kick.  I couldn't wait to meet them and as soon as my first was born I was ready to do it again.  I couldn't wait to have another baby.  Little did I know what was in store for me.

It was right around my sons 3rd birthday that I learned we were going to have another baby.  My anxiety was horrible, I didn't feel like I could relax at all.  Early on I was sent to the hospital to get an iv after a rough night.  They took me back to get an ultrasound and we were able to see a beautiful 5 wk baby.

Our follow up ultrasound showed that I had a subchorionic hemorrhage.  I was told by the nurse who called not to worry that most times it would resolve itself that it would just mean that I would have to go back and get extra ultrasounds.  Okay I though, I can handle this.  I had my first doctor appointment where they just collect information, I was hoping they would check for the heart beat to give me a little  reassurance.  They didn't.  Two days later I was back in the office after having some spotting in the middle of the night.

When the first nurse couldn't find a heartbeat I started to get nervous.  When the second nurse couldn't find it I was ready to cry.  When they couldn't find a heartbeat during the in office ultrasound I started to lose hope.  I was sent to get a regular ultrasound.  This would turn out to be the worst ultrasound I would go through.  No mom should have to go to an ultrasound and see a baby without an ultrasound.

I was sent back to the doctor's office to talk about my options.  I sat in the waiting room, having just found out I lost our baby, surrounded by pregnant women.  I sat in a room as they explained to me what had happened and what would happen.  I had three options and was told that I didn't have to make any decisions right now I could take a few days to think.

I felt empty.  I had to go home and call the people who knew and tell them what happened.  Those were the hardest phone calls I had to make.  It is times like this that I wish I lived closer to home.  This was a time that I needed my mom.

My husband decided that we needed to get away.  He set to work finding where we could go on a mini vacation.  I spent some time taking a shower trying to relax, I cried and I prayed.  I prayed for the baby I lost, I prayed for my family, I prayed for any future babies, and I prayed for a calm heart.

I remember that day so clearly.  I have heard that happens, that you remember the details in the worst situations.  I sat down at our kitchen table just trying to breath.  I am a Christian and in this moment I swear I felt a sense of peace.  I felt peace that I would be okay, I felt peace that I would be pregnant again, I had peace that God had that baby with him, and I had peace that my next pregnancy would be okay.

My experience didn't end the day we had that ultrasound.  A few weeks later I ended up in the ER again because I was hemorrhaging and needed to have an emergency d&c.  I have an amazing doctor how reassured me and took care of me.  After this experience I decided I would always stay with this office.  I can't even begin to express how wonderful they are and how they helped me.

I learned during this experience that you can suffer postpartum depression after an ultrasound.  I learned that when a person has not experienced it they do not understand or know what to say.  I learned that this is an experience that is more common than we think but that no one really talks about it.

Trying to get pregnant was after this was an roller coaster.  It took 6 months to get pregnant and I refused to take a test for 2 weeks after I started to suspect.  I suffered panic attacks before I got pregnant and also during my pregnancy.   Even though this was a horrible experience that I would never wish on anyone, if I had not gone through this I would not have my little rainbow baby.  I couldn't imagine my life without him.  I saw my doctor today I told her that I kept having babies not because I was trying for a girl but because I was trying for a redhead.

I don't know what your story is.  I don't know if you have been trying for a baby for years with no success.  I don't know if you have had multiple miscarriages or one like mine.  What I do know is that you are not alone.  If you need someone to talk to I am here.  There are also great support groups all over.  You don't have to go through this alone. 

My Reality of Moving

Our moving day is approaching quickly.  It is two weeks away and I'll be honest, I haven't done much.  When we were listing the house we boxed up a lot of our stuff to make the house look good but there is still so much to do.  On top of that you should see the pile of clean laundry on my bedroom floor bed.  It seems that as soon as we got an offer on the house I just didn't clean any more.  Ok that is a lie.  I still "clean" everyday but not to the extent I was and with packing there are items and boxes everywhere.

So it is starting to hit me that we are moving.  We are leaving the house that we came home to after our wedding.  The house that each of our baby boys came home to after they were born.  There are so many memories here!  I know, I know, we will make lots of new ones at the new house.  I am not a person who does well with change though.  Frankly I don't like it!  Sure I have been excited at the prospect of moving for as long as we have been looking. I can't wait to be in a bigger house with more room, but....  Its hard for me to just walk away from this one with out looking back.  I thought the longer closing date would help me to adjust, and while it did for a while, I am honestly scared.

When I met my husband it was so easy for me to pick up everything and move to be closer to him.  I don't think I really thought about it.  It was just something I knew I had to do, but this is different.  I am feeling overwhelmed and scared.  I think I should take my friend's advice and hide in the closet with a bottle of wine.  Just picked up two!  They were on clearance at Target!

Yesterday I drove to the new town to register my son for kindergarten.  This is something that has been really stressing me out because of how much I love his current school and teachers.  I think a part of me didn't want us to find a house so that we would be able to keep him there and put his brothers in too.  I decided to explore the town a little while I was there.  My first stop....the quilt shop!  Loved it and I am closer to the one I normally go to.  It has a great downtown area and a huge park right in the middle.  It is a great town and I can't wait to be a part of it.  One problem though.  We wont be living in town.  We will be 10 minutes out side of town.  In the country.  Seriously even though it is in a neighborhood, it is still the country!

I think during that drive it hit me.  I am moving out to the country, away from every thing and every one I know.  I know it is something I have done before and this time I have the kids to keep me busy, but still I feel like it is so far away.  Honestly though the driving difference to my friends from where I am to where I will be is 5 minutes.  I think because it is in the country it just seems like so much more. 

So what am I going to do to make my transition easier?  I am going to blog about it and post videos on YouTube of course!  Seriously though, it makes me feel so much better to share what I am going through and how I am feeling.  If share it with someone else it seems like the burden on me is a little less.  It also helps me to see that it really isn't that bad and keeps me moving forward.  So I will move to the country.  I will sign my boys up for the park district sports.  I will join the local mops group.  I will have lots of play dates with my friends.  I will DIY the heck out of my new house.  I will teach my son preschool and have daily bible stories with my boys.  I know that this is a good change for my family and I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us.

Phew I feel better!  Now to clean the house today and build a fence tomorrow!

Keep following my journey here on crazymomm915.com or on YouTube at  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkRo-KrjQ5Mc_gleFGeqpsg?view_as=public

I'm Stressing Out Here!

I have never been the type of person that does well with stress.  Some people thrive from it or at least they say they do.  I know that different people can handle a different amount of stress.  Years ago while I was going through a stressful situation I had someone basically tell me to get over it and that people are under more stress than me and managing.  Fantastic for them!  The fact that they can handle it is great but here is the thing.  I can't.  I don't think that just because my stress isn't as much as someone else's that I should not feel overwhelmed by it.  I feel like I have a lot of stress right now.  We are moving which means I have to pack the house while taking care of normal household things (like laundry and cooking) while taking care of three little boys.  On top of that I continue to make quilts for charity.  Someone else might look at that and think "you think that is stressful let me too you what I have going on."  Okay I understand that.  I honestly feel like maybe it isn't a lot to have going on and I should be happy that I don't have more, like a full time job.

When I was in school I took a class on stress management.  I figured maybe if I understand it a little more I can manage it or at least be able to deal with it.  I was going to pull out the book to talk about some of the affects stress has on the body but with moving I have no idea where it is.  So I googled it.  First here are the things I notice when I am over stressed.  I eat a lot.  I am an emotional eater and when I get stressed any healthy eating flies out the window.  Next I get headaches.  Is this from my lack of healthy diet, the tension in my neck from clenching my muscles, lack of water, or from not wearing my glasses.  I also see that I have to go to the chiropractor more because I hold my neck and shoulders so tense that it gets to the point that I can barely move them.  I also notice that my anxiety goes through the roof.  Last week I laid in bed deciding what would be the best fire safety plan in the new house.  I decided I needed more smoke detectors more carbon monoxide detectors and a fire escape ladder.

Here is what mayoclinic.org has to say about stress on the body.

"Stress can lead to health problems such as high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, and diabetes.  The effects it has on the body are: headaches, muscle tension or pain, chest pain, fatigue, trouble sleeping, and upset stomach.  The effects on the mind are: anxiety, lack of motivation, depression, or irritability. " Stress symptoms: Effects on your body and behavior, Mayoclinic staff, June 2013

The stress management class that I took went into a lot more detail talking about what happens to the body over prolonged periods of stress.  When I find the book I will talk more about it.  If you are interested in the book we used it is called Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers by Robert M. Sapolsky.

The following semester I took the follow up class on different relaxation types.  We learned all about meditation, yoga, and breathing exercises.  Let me tell you, they work!  When I start to feel overwhelmed I start with meditation.  I try to find a quiet spot in my house (ha ha ha quiet spot) and try to relax.  I will either turn on a meditation app or listen to a meditation video on youtube.com.  I have found that once I am relaxed it is easier for me to focus on the different poses of yoga.  I know when I talk about my exercising consisting of yoga people look at me funny.  After being stressed for so long and not doing anything about it, my muscles are tight.  Yoga really helps and I love it.  I have found that by doing these two things I am able to better manage my stress.  Now to find the time to do them again!

Now that you know about my stress level and what I do about it share your story.  What works for you!

Run like Phoebe

Do you remember the Friends when Rachel and Phoebe go running.  Phoebe kinda runs like a crazy person and Rachel is embarrassed.  Then she tries running like Phoebe and it is so free spirited that she loves it.  Oh in the movie Hitch when Hitch is teaching Albert how to dance.  Albert doesn't listen and does his own thing,  he dances however he feels.  I swear I need to do that.  Just do my own thing and be free.  Instead I run like Rachel and dance like Hitch.  All it gets me is sore muscles and shin splints!

Can you imagine what life would be like not caring what other people think.  Not being on a constant diet to make sure you fit in with everyone else.  Honestly I like food.  Okay I love it.  I love food so much that I majored it in twice!  Once for culinary, to get the good stuff.  Then for nutrition, to get the healthy stuff.  I love food so much that I am constantly thinking about my next meal or what I am going to cook.  I love going anywhere there will be food and get disappointed at places where there isn't any!

You know what.  I am not ashamed of that either.  We need food to live. Of course I want to make sure I am making the right choices but I don't want to deprive myself and then feel bad when I eat something yummy.  Can you really go through life without chocolate, ice cream, or potato chips?  I know I can't, in fact I would put all three together!

It's about balance.  I know I feel better when I eat healthy and can always tell when I have had too much chocolate.  Yes there is such a thing.  I choose to live a healthy life but not a deprived life.  How do I do this?  I eat very dark chocolate.  It helps to satisfy my chocolate craving in a healthy way.  I am talking very dark chocolate like 70% cacao or cacao nibs.  Did you know it is good for your heart and can help lower blood pressure, your brain by increasing blood flow, is full of antioxidants, nutrients, and vitamins. (fitday.com)

When I crave ice cream I do one of two things, depending on what is in my freezer.  If I have frozen bananas I will mix those with cocoa powder (or chocolate protein powder), milk, and powdered peanut butter in a high speed blender.  This combination makes a delicious "milkshake".  If I don't have frozen bananas I will just add some ice cubes to the other ingredients.  I make this protein shake every day, sometimes for breakfast!

If I really want to eat out at a restaurant but am trying to be healthy (and who are we kidding, save money) I will look for a recipe to make what I am craving.  The internet is an amazing place where you can find your favorite recipes, make them at home, and make them healthier.

I choose to not care what others think about me (okay so I am still working on this one!)  I am opening up my life not only here but on youtube.  If no one reads what I write or watches my videos that is okay, but what if someone learns something.  What if someone is encouraged?  What if they find hope, or motivation?  You never know the impact you can have on someone else.

So I choose to run like Phoebe and dance like Albert.  I choose to eat my extra dark chocolate with all natural peanut butter.  I choose to try to make a difference.  I choose to be me!

What are somethings that you would do if you didn't care what other people thought, if you didn't follow the crowd?


Dark chocolate info found at:
6 Health benefits of Dark Chocolate: http://www.fitday.com/fitness-articles/nutrition/healthy-eating/6-health-benefits-of-dark-chocolate.html

Surviving Chocolate filled holidays

Here I sit the day after Easter reflecting back on all the chocolate I consumed.  I have learned that when you have an addiction to something you can't give in.  Even a little bit!  As we sat at the dinner table the dish of chocolate sat right in front of me.  I fought the temptation until my sister in law took some candy.  Then I noticed the mini eggs.  All resistance was lost and once I started I couldn't stop!

Other than the chocolate I feel I didn't do too bad.  I brought a big salad and fruit salad and made sure to pile those onto my plate rather than lots of ham and potato. 

When it comes to holidays I am going to do my best but not stress myself out.  I have enough stress when I look around my house at everything that needs to be done.  I do want to make sure I get back on track with my diet and exercise though.

One thing that will help with those two things is my new smart phone!  Yep that is right I have moved into the 21st century when it comes to phones.  I am able to sync with my Vivofit, track my calories and exercise with My Fitness Pal, and get workout programs like C25K!

I also made some freezer meals to help keep us on track.  Here are my recipes.

Oven Fajitas
1 green bell pepper-sliced
1 red bell pepper-sliced
1 onion- sliced
1 tomato
1 tbsp olive oil
2.5 lbs chicken tenders
fajita seasoning

Combine all ingredients in a casserole dish.  At this point you can freeze for later or cook in the oven until chicken is cooked.  Bake at 400 for 30-40 minutes. (If freezing thaw before baking)

Chicken Cacciatore
1 green bell pepper-sliced
1 red bell pepper- sliced
1 onion- sliced
1-15oz can crushed tomatoes
1 can tomato paste
2 tbsp Italian Seasoning

Combine all ingridients.  Add to crockpot or freeze in Ziploc bag.  When cooking in the crock pot cook on low for 6-8 hrs or high for 3-4 hrs.  (1/2 cup red wine can be added)